I’ve always been able to look into my crystal ball and see my destination: AP classes, graduation, college, marriage. Lately, all I can see is fog. White fog. Fog that says, “Girl, you are asking the wrong crystal ball because I don’t see anything in your future.”
Everyone else is moving on. They’ve got their own places, new jobs, new classes, new cities, new towns. I was that girl. The girl who went to college right after high school. The girl who finished college early. Who was going to teach English in a foreign country. Who was going to worry about grad school later.
It’s frustrating. I feel stagnant. Everything around me is moving, and growing, and changing. And I’m here. Still here. Still waiting.
Jake asked me why I was feeling blue, and I confessed everything. Everyone else is starting school. What if I’m out for too long? What if I lose everything I learned? What if I don’t get accepted? There is nothing wrong with being a mom, but I don’t want to give up my dreams of my PhD either. I can do both. I know I can…I know WE can. What if it’s not in the cards? Then Jake reminded me of something I told him once while we were out surfing: “You can’t worry about the wave that already came, or the wave that’s on its way. All you can do is ride the wave that you’re on.”
I, being in a particularly sour mood, said, “I’m not even on a wave.” Jake, being brilliant and clever, said, “What about all the waiting between sets? That’s where we are.”
and I get that. I get that we’re in limbo. We’re in overqualified-yet-not-qualified-enough land; we’re in going-to-grad-school-but-haven’t-actually-applied land. For those of you who don’t know me, I’m not a big fan of limbo (the game or the figurative use of the word).
I get it. We’re in between sets, not an undergrad, but not yet a graduate. I got it.
Thinking about it in surfing terms makes it a little more bearable…a little.
I guess I’m feeling ready to move on, ready for the next challenge, ready to get up and go. But it doesn’t matter, because I can’t make the ocean give me another set. I can’t control how big or small the next set will be, or how many waves will be in it, or when it will come. I just have to sit. Wait. Be Patient.
So, until the next set hits. I’ll be sitting pretty, trying to patiently wait like the shark bait I am.
Oo-ha-ha
